The village girl

When you said you left the long relationship 'cos of sexual incompatibility, I for one believed that you were the ultimate nympho. And the stories later made me believe that you were dirty even. When you told me of the little desperate attempts of experiencing things, when you confided in me, I eventually ended up judging you. I asked myself, how could you give yourself away that way to villains who were only looking at you as a piece of ass. Of course my imagination had soared. I in my mind imagined porn sagas in action until you clarified how little you had actually done. Was I contradicting myself? I wouldnt know...on one hand I liked the idea that you were the dirty nympho in my head. On the other, how could you not fit into the role of one who would hold back completely and be in control of one's so called dignity?
But what really shocked me was when I discovered that you with me. The coy village girl that you actually were. Where was the mad desire? Where was the dirt? And what is this romantic silliness? Meant for adolescents...What happened to the porn star that I had imagined you to be? Am I the unlucky one for bearing the fact that you killed that desperation and frustration as best as you could, hoping to live with dignity. Hoping that someone like me would not judge you for it and see that deep down you are just a simple human being. And like it. But now I dont....not really. I want that nympho. I abhor this simple, coy, village girl. I need that nympho in one space. I need the simple village girl in another. I need the one with opinions for one context. But at the end of the day I need you to shut up and listen to whatever I say, and naturally agree to it. I need you to follow my way, simply because I do know better. From the way you always seem nervous when I scream my head off, and fumble with things, I know you have no clue. I am not pausing to think if its my yelling that's unnerving you. How can that be? You always seemed so confident. How can my yelling for the littlest of things unnerve you...you who loves me a lot? Cant you just handle it and agree with me and get on with it? You think I am unreasonable? I have unreasonable expectations? C'mon! Just because I am harsh with my words when I criticise...of course 'constructively'....for your own good....doesnt mean you should get affected. After all you are a strong girl who stood by all this of the world. Why would you expect me to be encouraging rather than critical? That's just me I guess. You, look at you...I always tell you that you are brutal. Of course I know that it was probably when you didnt know me that well. Or maybe I dont know really. I dont see that brutality anymore. Have you lost your passion or are you just being stoic and controlled in the name of your so called 'peace'?  I am confused....confusing myself. Do I want you to shut up and listen to me or do I want you to be brutal and opinionated? Do I want you to be the nympho and aggressive or be the dignified one? I have a problem with both....sometimes with your existence....with the fact that I have another thing in my life I signed up for without really thinking.
The only one thing that I thought I had given a lot of mindspace to and wanted for life, rejected me....even without letting me know. But I cant seem to move on without that one regret. If it had worked out it would have been the best thing I signed up for....I am sure. Of course I am....life would have have reached that Perfection. With you it was just an illusion it seems. An effort.....like so many other couples in the world....I cant be different after all.....I ended up with a village girl....again!

How can u 'want'?

Want to be fucked and not fucked-up....

If a divorce application is on the grounds of impotence...let's say male impotence, the courts in some parts like India agree for annulment if the case is proven. Fair enough. But this is only a consensual test. If the guy doesnt agree for a test, the woman has to prove that 'the marriage was not consummated', best way - prove that she is a virgin...what the fuck!! What if the situation was reversed for a case of female impotence? How would they prove that? And is sex all about breaking the hymen anyway? One woman in response argues that if she was never satisfied (read never orgasmed), she had the right to seek a divorce by calling it impotence. Now that is a completely new area of research to prove! :-) Anyway, probably its all sensationalised as I got this particular case from google searches and probably the laws arent that bad after all...let's hope!

The point is not about being a feminist and raise the sensationalism. Just a case of figuring out how they document something like this in a judicial system. And a healthy expression of female sexuality.

It takes a huge toll on a woman to actually accept first to themselves and to their families or friends that they might have needs which are not satisfied. The conditioning is sometimes so strong that acceptance to oneself of having needs feels taboo.

Then comes the expressions and the responses. Of course when the woman is feeble in her attempts to mention her situation, embarrassed as she maybe, any advice is not really forthcoming so strongly. This only happens when push comes to shove even from caring relatives or friends. Until then everyone lives in denial since it is too awkward to talk about.

(There is of course the male expression in a reversed situation...but most often than not society has granted him this unquestioned license to fuck around...the more the merrier! So whether he expresses it or not, he has the blinding sympathy of the world and he can dump his frigid wife when he wishes... and she will anyway happily turn a blind loving eye to his pantless pursuits and do everything in her power to 'keep' him....and if he dosent dump her he is the ultimate hero of sacrifice, godliness, magnanimity and one should worship the path he treads on while he fucks around. So we wont even go there). Continuing....

A lot of times the said/unsaid question is "Does he drink and beat you up?" "If no and he cares about you, why dont you weigh the pros and cons and manage it?". - Well...how lucky for her! If she could, she wouldnt have bothered talking about it after so long would she?

"How did you not know about this earlier? Wasnt it a love marriage?" - Yes it was, and she was 'moral' enough not to 'give' herself before she married him. She grew up that way fyi and didnt know she could think otherwise.

"Why did you not walk out right at the beginning? Why wait for so many years?" - Well then wouldnt you have asked her to have patience and not fret about a silly thing like this? Or so she thought...maybe you didnt tell her it was her right. But she was only trying in earnest to make things happen and work...in whatever ways she could and that took all that time.

Then there are those bizzare, tangential solutions:

"Why dont you try an artificial remedy for reproduction?" - yeah right the goal of a woman's marriage and sole existence is to reproduce and reproduce in the respectable way, dont you worry about the costs and what it will do to her body...the mind is already fucked up anyway!

"Maybe you can think of alternate means of satisfying yourself sexually - masturbation, alternate sexual partners maybe"....Masturbation? are you kidding me? She is dumb, but not that dumb....how do you think she remained sane for so long? Alternate sexual partners? Hey! wait how does that work now? You buy them someplace, find them on dating sites or bars or flirt with random strangers and get serviced? And then what...allow more mind fuckers to take pity on her and to invade her pussy and her mind and soul... all in the name of guess what - sanctity of marriage!

She then asks herself .. "Which part of sex education did I miss I wonder! Nope..none! I remember the diagrams of the reproductive organs in graphic detail on the biology chart....the blood flows into the penis and it gets hard and when inserted into the vagina releases sperm from the testes and fertilisation may take place depending on..blah blah...I remember that lecture about unwanted pregnancy and HIV and how you always need to use protection. I even remember secretly reading the Kama Sutra and the various positions described like a detached surgical procedure. What about those larger than life Mills & Boons with their soft porn where everything is so bloody fuckingly happily ever after! And the trailers of hard core porn on the internet mostly made for men in heat. And all the material available everywhere.....yep I seem to know it all, pretty much!

Maybe...just maybe, I missed some parts - The one which tells you how exactly a man is turned on by a woman, and vice-versa, the little and the big signs? The beauty and the naughtiness of it all? Recognising that 'that' is when the lovemaking begins....

That sex is not just fucking always for everyone and for most people it is not a surgical procedure, but a deeply emotional one to be experienced with the person you have that connection with and 'that' is what makes a relationship of this nature complete? It's called 'love'making...alternate partners my foot!

That you need to make a couple of compatibility mistakes(not foolish ones) early in life when you can afford to and figure out some practicals to add to the overload of theoritical knowledge... in a premarital-sex-taboo culture too.

That you can know all about every precaution and scientific data and be the smartest person around, and still be foolish enough to get carried away, making you vulnerable like you never imagined possible and bear the horrible consequences of it all, scarring you for life...all in the name of maintaining the equilibrium and balance.

That you can have your trust broken time and again and faith reduced to a negative and be mind fucked...just by the act of trying to manage the wants and the needs 'respectably'....

And a lot more to be learnt...."

All she wanted really...was to be 'wanted' in that complete way...huh! never works...too sweet and esoteric...mills and boony! "Only I can want the best for myself in that complete way"....for the rest..... Just Fuck them!

Monogamy

The definition is simple....one partner at a time. But its not just about sex, its about everything else too. Its about wanting to make yourself emotionally, intellectually, sexually and legally available to a partner. The important word here is 'wanting'. If the wanting is divided between individuals who you 'love' a lot, it is not monogamy.

It is not about a perfect relationship, but a complete one. Every man/woman is completely capable of being loyal. And if the partner that you sooo love is not available for you in some way (as the excuses generally go, even for no fault of theirs), and no amount of genuine communication/intervention has solved the issue, only U have the choice of thinking in absolutes on this one. It takes a lot of courage and mental stability to convince yourself that you will be monogamous, no matter what! And when you decide to stay, you decide to stay and eat the daal-chaawal that is available. In the long run, if the constant splurging on kebabs from the restaurant gave you a high cholestrol, dont blame the kebabs, but your choices. Else face the consequence of being the bad person and have the guts to cut it out. Yes! you made someone unhappy for a short time, but you saved yourself and so many people a lifetime of mess by being man/woman enough to make that choice. And if you choose to be monogamous, it is not because there is no one else to fuck you, but because you choose it despite all the choices available, for reasons only apparent to you.

Most of the straying starts with the sexual (obviously!) and when you do that, you not only disrespect yourself, your spouse but also the 3rd person/people you are bringing into the equation. Sounds very uptight in an otherwise grey world, but that's the way it is. Behind all the carnal pleasures, the mess created is marred by the temporary orgasms. And that often leads to the emotional straying as well. That gets dangerous as the lines get dull and there is really no way you can compartmentalise emotions. And then in the fast paced world of hectic work and other social obligations, you do not even have the bandwidth to analyse what's creating that huge void in your life. Is it the constant lying to be discreet, is it the emotional need added to the strong physical intimacy that you share with the sexual partner, is it the lack thereof with the 'social' partner? You cant ignore the quicksand of questions for very long. They will keep coming back to you to eat you alive, and at a point in life there will be no one left to respect you enough to answer them for you or help you deal with it.

We do make mistakes and work on course correction. We learn about ourselves through our mistakes. But we dont revel in them....like reveling in a life surrounded by shit and crap. We dont repeat them. We dont find excuses for them, however strong. We admit them, face the consequences and move on, but remember the lessons we learnt.